Friday, December 17, 2010

My Job Here is Done

Ok. So. We have had a great time here. I mean like, it was nice and all. But some nice things need to end.

I've moved to Wordpress. It's better, easier and has more options. (You hear that Blogspot?)

So follow my new blog.

Do it, to it

Monday, November 22, 2010


My dearest Grandfather is jolly chap. He is always keen for a beer and a chat. He is always willing to help people out in their time of need. He takes pride in success, especially when he is hailed as the winner, ahead of the rest. He was particularly excited when a nice Nigerian fellow informed him that he was the winner of One Million Pounds. The nice Nigerian fellow informed him that to claim his prize he needed to deposit a mere R1000 into a bank account to take care of transfer costs. I mean who wouldn't pay R1000 to receive One Million Pounds. My dearest Grandfather deposited the fee of R1000 and waited anxiously for the Million Pounds coming his way. He planned holidays and thought of gifts that he could buy his loved ones

Unfortunately to the ignorant dismay of my Grandfather, he never received his One Million Pounds. Most of us would shrug the email off as a scam and never think about it again. However my Granddaddy did not, he was enthralled by his new wealth, he phoned his children and told them how they would all see a share of the spoils.Unfortunately for him, the money my Grandfather deposited into this Nigerian fellow's bank account was most likely used to fund a party of monumental proportions. 

Many unsuspecting individuals around the globe fall victim to these online scams. They forget the fact that they did not actually enter the competition that they have been told to have won. They ignore the basic common sense that tells you to think twice about the situation. However, a small group of people are now taking it to the scamming bastards in an attempt to scam the "scammers". is an online website that provides people with the correct information and tools to get back at these bastards who play on the weak and stupid. From advice on how to make the day of the scammer living hell, photo copied checks that display outrageous amounts and other "legal" documents that will make the average scammer jizz in his pants. The goal of is to waste the time of the scammers, to get them to perform outrageous tasks and in some cases rip them off. 


Yes. Some of you might feel bad for these scammers, who are just trying to make a dishonest living . I don't. I think is one of the best things I have heard of this entire year. Go Scam the scamming bastards. Go have a look-see and maybe even join in the fun. Do it for my Granddaddy    

Sunday, November 21, 2010


So, after being told by my good friend Justin "Cassius" Jacobie about this thing called Tumblr, I have decided to give it a bash. Its kinda like a blog, but different (sort of). I like to think of it as the love child of Blogspot and Twitter. I will try keep updating my Blog as we have a deep and meaningful relationship, but I wanna see if this Tumblr thing is as cool as it has been made out to be. My Tumblr URL is Check it out

I wish I was as talented as this Lady

Monday, November 8, 2010

In the Pursuit of Happiness

In the minds of every single human being there is a battle between two forces, a good and evil, a right and wrong, a battle between the spontaneous and the calculated. We fight every day to find the perfect balance between these two forces to find happiness. We are constantly, consciously and subconsciously weighing up our options so that we can bring a smile on our faces. Many are unable to find this balance and spend their lives under a dark cloud of unachieved harmony. Some are unable to find this state of nirvana due to circumstances in their lives, some are born with a chemical imbalances that forces them to be constantly medicated in an attempt to feel happy.

Like everyone, I have experienced depression. A deep sinking feeling of unease, a lurking feeling of displacement and an inability to feel good. I have been down the psychological street, where your negative views and attitudes only bring more misfortune and emotional torment. I have forbidden myself from looking into mirrors in an attempt to prevent myself from ridiculing and insulting the person that is staring back. I know what it feels like to unhappy with my circumstances, with the way my life has panned out and with my physical appearance. I have found myself constantly dwelling in the sadness that consumes my being.

Before you label me and place judgement upon me, think about the darkest period of your life. How your thoughts circled in a negative cycle that only pulled you closer and closer towards the darkness that you feared. For some it is easier to relate to this, for others it it might not hit home.

I have watched many people attempt to combat the sinking feeling in their chests with medication or recreational social lubricants. They look for a quick fix for a problem that has deep roots in the lives of these individuals. Often ignoring the source of this emotional pain. You can ask them why they are sad or what is making their lives a misery. Often they can tell you, a physical insecurity, a dissatisfaction with the lives they have chosen or a regret about past decisions. Even when the cause of their depression is clear they choose to rather treat the problem medically instead of facing the problem head on. Having said this, there are cases where individuals have no real cause that can be hailed as the root of the problem. I do believe that this is where modern medicine can play an important role.

If you are unhappy with way you look, attempt to combat it. If you are unhappy with your life and the choices you have made, change the course of your existence. Being proactive about the problem will almost always start to make you feel better, if you begin to see results watch as your life starts to lighten up and how you will begin to attract positivity. Negativity attracts negativity, positivity attracts positivity, its as simple as that. Sometimes, regardless of how hard you try you cannot change what is making you unhappy. This is often where people fall off the boat and submerge themselves in the unhappiness, making these feelings of dissatisfaction the center of their beings. A person that focuses on the negative sides of their existence becomes negative and often unpleasant person to be around. When faced with something we cannot repair or change, we have to accept it for what it is and eventually move on. People talk about the stages of loss and how we move through them. This is often true, but every individual spends different amounts of time at each stage. We are all different and we all cope with different situations differently.

I have found that when I am feeling low about myself and my situations it helps to focus on helping someone els, rather then focusing on myself and what I am unhappy about. Seeing someone els smile because of your actions towards them makes your problems seem a little less important. Making someone laugh is even better. Laughter helps yourself see the true nature of your problems, loving someone can eliminate them. Exercise when ever you can. If you can't tame your problems rather focus that energy on making other people happy. You might just find that it will bring you happiness.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

More Music, More Music, More Music

So. As you might have noticed I tend to randomly post videos on this blog, I do it partially because I want to indoctrinate you into liking the music I like and also because it increases my post count. My plan is that if all the people who visit my blog listen/watch the music videos I post, they will obviously realize that my music choices and taste are superior to theirs and they will thus hail me a music culture demi-god. What this entails for me if my plan is successful is that I will be able to control musical trends, I will be able to eliminate pathetic music icons like Justin Bieber and I will never have to be subjected to shitty ass club music again. So watch closely as you might just be witnessing the beginning of my rise to fame, or at least in my own little world of marshmallow cars and flying Scottish terriers I will be making a difference

My first choice for this post is a band called The XX. If you keep your musical ears close to the ground and you don't spend all your time listening to Michael Bolton, it is likely that you have already heard of this band. I like them, their CD has a great flow. I suggest you either pirate their music, or if you are controlled by your conscious then perhaps buy it. Either way, listen to their shit. Its good

Ok. So already you might be realizing that Keisha isn't that cool anymore and brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack Daniels doesn't mean you will make good music. The next band is called Bombay Bicycle Club, and yes they are good.

My last selection for the day is a band that you should already know. These Canadian individuals have a band that consists of about 50 thousand members (more like 8). They also make very good music, so good that Kings of Leon have become jealous of their success and decided to make childish allegations towards them. Arcade Fire is cool. Listen and be amazed. Yes. Dressed for success.

Until next time kids. Remember not to use energy saving light bulbs when you smoke TiK. Its make the whole process a hassle.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Fokken Prawns

The streets of Johannesburg have become a bore! Between the thousands of pumped police officers with their inflated World Cup egos and the even larger number of criminals who feel they have to catch up on committing crimes and general ruckus causing activities, has resulted in the police force flexing their steroid inflated biceps. Spending quality time with friends, drinking a brew or a small act of vandalism are a thing of the past, as you will either be beaten on the head with a bottle and then raped or beaten on the head with a baton and then put in a cell where you will be repeatedly violently raped. Time outside your dwelling seems to be a thing of old.

Even on a Monday night, a trip to the shops for bread and milk can result in a mass roadblock encounter, a cavity search and parting with a couple of "Ronts" due to outstanding fines. Poor Johannes who doesn't care about anything thing as long as he gets a "klap" of his bong, now has attend those rehab meetings as his drug dealers are all in the cop shop, awaiting the signs of the police brutality to heal before they can be released. Silvia has to continuously sleep with random men as she cannot drive home after her nights out at Frosties, as she will surely be arrested by the mob of police waiting around every street corner.

The fearful South African white population is in the worst position of all. For years they have been able to target their secret feelings of insecurity on Black leaders and freedom fighters. First it was Mandela and his "Fokken ANC", then it was the PAC and their views of a United Africa. Recently the white populous have been uniting against the most evil man to come out of South Africa yet. Julius "Fokken Bliksem" Malema and his band of hooligans have been the brunt of every conversation taking place in the Free State for the past year or two. However old Julius "Fokken Bliksem" Malema has been some what down graded by the Chief himself, "Jakes My Boy" Zuma(Who has a special place in every Afrikaners heart as he did not encourage the recreational activity of "The Boere Panga Chop").

Who will the white population target their frustration upon now that our short and shunned Julius has no body guards and cannot deport Bloody British Agents anymore. Perhaps they will turn to slandering that "Bloody Moffie" Pieter Dirk Uys, or the next ANC Youth League President who is just fighting for his people, who knows. Better invest in some New Zealand Rugby shirts oaks.

The Worst thing of all is that not only will Daughtry be coming to SA, but those Irish bastards U2 will be gracing our shores. Their gob smacking, ground breaking 360 degree stage will be polluting our airwaves and breaking crowd attendance records in Africa next year. Bono can now fulfill his life long dream of adopting a Khoi San baby boy.Perhaps we are all shallow and ungrateful people. I dunno, but at least we have AB De Villiers. As long as he doesn't sing

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Shadowclub - Do it for the baby Seals and Kittens

In a mainstream musical world that is obsessed with candy coated pop stars who either bend the line between genders or who sell their music with the assistance of their genitalia, it seems that anyone who wants to drink a bottle of Jack Daniels and rock the fuck out is tough out of luck. Waddy Jones of the Die Antwoord has recreated himself over and over again until he hit the big time, pushing the yard stick so far that even YouTube has removed the controversial bands even more controversial music video. Two "apparent" descendants of Charlie Chapman are quickly becoming one of the biggest acts of  in South African history, even though it seems they are more familiar with beef jerky and baseball then with Biltong and Cricket. The average person in the street seems more concerned with who can say "Fok" the most in one sentence then those blessed with actual musical ability.

In the midsts of the South African Scene one of our best talents is going somewhat unnoticed. Jacques Moolman has been tearing up the stages of South Africa for years with his Blues Rock Band The Shadowclub and formerly with his jazz influenced group Airship Orange, his silky vocals are almost completely unmatched by anyone this side of the equator. The front man doesn't come with a clean sheet, but who wants a squeaky clean front man anyway.

The band is not that stereotypical one man act held back by other incompetent individuals, as one of the busiest and arguably best stick wielding individuals in the country Isaac Klawansky drives the 3 three piece with the same finesse as a battleship captain. Latest member Louis Roux has filled the empty void that ex-bassist Liale Francis left when he handed in his gloves not that long ago. Louis seems far better suited for the explosive and some what volatile 3 three piece bringing a gunshot groove tighter then Megan Fox's ass.

The Band is another sad case of "If only they didn't live in South Africa". Lack of management, lack of venues and far too many tone deaf individuals are letting this world class act slip by under the radar. The band was due to release an album recently but so far nothing has been put forward. If The Shadowclub goes unnoticed and ends up just another failed South African band, many baby Seals will be clubbed and many Kittens will drown. Support the The Shadowclub, do it for the Seals and Kittens     

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Skate For Change.

In my youth, I was drawn to skateboarding culture like Steven Segal is drawn to punching people in the face. I wanted to be like Tony Hawk, Eric Koston and Andrew Reynolds. I used to roll around the streets of my neighborhood with my friends, getting up to mischief, practicing my skills and getting up to shit I probably shouldn't have. Unfortunately, I didn't possess the natural talent for skateboarding and I was average at best. During this period of my life their were two names, that in my opinion stood out in South African Skateboarding. Puddy Zwennis and Clint van der Schyf were the best I had seen with my own eye's. They tore up the streets of Pretoria and Johannesburg with a prowess that was unmatched.

As I grew older and eventually put my skateboard down in exchange for other pleasures in life, I managed to forget about these people. I traded my Vans for Converse All Stars and my life went in another direction. However, I recently was confronted with the familiar name of Puddy Zwennis and his Skate For Change initiative. In an attempt to bring attention to and raise money for impoverished children Puddy Zwennis has decided to make a trip from Johannesburg to Cape Town via Port Elizabeth on his Skateboard. The Route is a staggering 1800Km's and with the support of his team he hopes to make the trip over a 3 month period.

The initiative is proudly sponsored by Shoprite, Stix and Stones, Revolution, DVS,Verb, Skull Candy, CMS, Eveready, Raid, Son Skate, Flexfit, The Citizen, Take 5 and Sportron. This is the first attempt of this sort in South Africa and is looking towards the general public to make donations. If you wish to contribute to Puddy and his cause, you can simply Sms "Puddy" to 38665 to make a R10 donation, pretty easy hey. The massive feat is scheduled to conclude on the 30th of October and at the point of me writing this, Puddy has done about 1488Km's according to their fancy website. It isn't often that someone is willing to put himself through something that will push the boundaries of his physical capacity in an effort that will benefit other people. Remember Puddy next time you are too selfish to tip the car guard or too lazy to assist someone in need. I stole these rather nice Photo's off the Skate for Change website, if you wish to learn more or to make a sizable donation go to

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Katy Perry - One of the Guys

In all honesty I don't like pop music much, but their are a few exceptions to my bias. Katy Perry is partial obsession of mine and I am still amazed how humanity could create a human being that looks like she does. I decided to break the mold of my blog just this once, in an attempt to honor the Beautiful Californian Girl.

Born Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson on October 25, 1984. The singer/song writer better know as Katy Perry has been massaging people's ears with her contralto vocal range(Lowest Classical Female Voice) since she was a youngster. Katy Perry was born the second child to two pastors and was involved in the Church choir from an early age. At the age of 15 her voice caught the attention of Rock veterans from Nashville Tennessee and they encouraged her to sing and learn the guitar.

Perry soon started recording demo's and was quickly snatched up by Christian Label Red Hill. She released an album under the name Katy Hudson. The Album was unsuccessful and the Label closed down short after Katy's debut album was released. Katy Signed to Columbia Records but an Album was never released and she was dropped shortly.Up to this point she had only listened to Christian music and had to submerge herself in popular music in an attempt to catch up to the tastes of current day music fans . 2006 was spent working on her own material as she waited for a record label. In 2007 she was signed to Capitol Music and started to work on her Debut mainstream album One of the Boys. She was also now performing under the name Katy Perry, leaving her original surname behind. While recording One of The Boys, she released an EP "Your So Gay" a shortly afterwards the digital version was available to the public. The Campaigns by Capitol Music to introduce Miss Perry to the Music industry and to develop a distinct style for the singer worked as she was already gaining attention by fans and music professionals alike

On May 6th 2008, Katy Perry released "I Kissed A Girl". The single would quickly come to dominate music charts all over the world. In a short period Capitol Music had taken Katy Perry from a small time musician to the big time. The Katy Perry machine began to take flight, she managed to follow up I kissed a Girl with another hit single "Hot and Cold". Miss Perry managed to pick up Grammy Nominations and MTV Music awards. She also managed to upset British singer Lilly Allen when she called herself a Skinny Version of her. Katy Perry has released a second album in 2010 entitled Teenage Dream. The first single "California Girls" features a collaboration with Snoop Dog. She managed appeal to men with he beautiful looks and to women with her bubble gum style and her disgustingly catchy music. I look forward to seeing miss Perry mature in the spot light. She deserves all the attention she is receiving

Unfortunately for us guys, Katy Perry is about to marry Russel Brand. The Bastard

Monday, October 4, 2010

Social Norms of Socially Retarded Beings

Society is bound tightly by social norms and guidelines. From a very young and innocent age we taught or at least beaten into conforming with one or another template set out by our fellow citizens. We are shown when and how to wipe our asses, how it is not acceptable to encourage new beliefs and ideals, or at least, we are shown how to treat our fellow human beings. Our guidelines are set out by our forefathers, by holy icons or for some, their twisted views of life were burnt deep into their psyches by strange happenings in their lives. Many brutally beat their skulls against the proverbial wall created by society, repeatedly reeking pain upon others in a twisted mission of self satisfaction or mutilation. Never for once stopping to think what repercussions their actions will have

We take pleasure in the finer aspects of life, the simple smell of our environment. We take pleasure in seeing someone fall off a bicycle, someone falling in love, someone making a fool of them self or someone els, or in someone feeling the cold blade of life. We were shown this by Jesus Christ , by Bart Simpson, He Man and by Madonna. We are a stew of what we are exposed to in specific periods of our developing existence. We are taught to hate anyone who stands against our tape recorder minds. Often we are told to destroy their very existence, their most sacred objects and their defenseless pets.

We are taught to court the most wanted humans in our social groups. We are taught to hunt the objects of our desires like sharks. We are taught to treat the opposite sex with respect. We are taught to treat the opposite sex like pests. We are taught to open the door for the one who loves us so . We are taught to lie and betray the ones we love in some selfish act of self fulfillment. We are taught never to steal, unless it is from the one who stole from our us, because then we must kill.

We are shown what is beautiful and what we should look like. We are shown how to contort ourselves into fitting the mold set out by society. We are told we can never do something by someone who never tried. We are told where we will go when we die by someone who is still alive. We are told how to speak, when to eat. Who are told when to look and when not to see. We are shown what is ugly and what we should want to be.We are told to fear those who we don't understand, never to show them sincerity or to ask them what they see.                

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I Like Your Problems, I Think They're Sleak

I see your third thumb
and you see my longer arm
I hear your problems in speak
and you smell my fragrance, weak.
I like your problems, I think they're sleak

I try weakly to be the walrus
you seem to quite like the fuss
But I can juggle
Perhaps help you in a struggle

Your a little, only slightly brittle
Calling "play it boy, swing that fiddle"
You gotta swing high, play that guy
You gotta talk slightly slowly lady sly

I wish you would come over
play a game of twister, sister
I wish you could sing neatly
maybe beat me in ping-pong sweetly

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Pearl Jam - Alive

Perfume : The story of a Murderer : Author. Patrick Suskind

Set in 18th century France, "Perfume" tells the story of  Jean-Baptiste Grenouille the 5th child to his mother, but only the first to survive birth. Grenouille's existence was cursed, as the freakish boy was born without a sensory signature, he was born without scent. It was because of this odorless taint that Grenouille was thrown out by his mother and initially rejected by the entire population of France. Grenouille did however hold one talent. His biggest weakness was countered by an ironic strength, as he possessed the greatest nose the world had ever witnessed.

Perfume tells the adventures of Grenouille a genius in the art of smell that works his way up from a low life, to a leather tanner and then into the world of Giuseppe Baldini, an old perfumer who lacks natural talent but makes up for it with years of experience. Grenouille's exceptional and unmatchable ability for dissecting and identifying scents proves an obvious advantage in the world of Perfumery. 

Grenouille uses his gift initially to boost the business of his mentor Baldini, even though his talent with scents is far beyond the old perfumer. Grenouille's nose for dissecting scents soon becomes a tool in his own twisted desires. He uses his talent to gather the most beautiful scents in the world, often destroying the source of these beautiful scents. Grenouille also uses his nose to create a scent for himself, a scent that will change his world

German author Patrick Suskind's lead character is dark and twisted. He paints a beautifully dirty picture of 18th century France and his account of the life of Grenouille is a true master piece.

If this was a real publication and I had to decide how many stars I would give Patrick Suskind's "Perfume", I would say 4.5 out 5 as no one gets 5 out of 5. No one

If you aren't the Book type, the evil TV trolls also made a movie about Grenouille. Also entitled Perfume : The Story of a Murderer. But who watches TV anyway?        

Sunday, September 19, 2010

If you go out into Town Tonight

Johannesburg Town is certain to bring an obvious cringe to any caring parent's face. The thought of their young darlings venturing into a land of violent murders and armed robberies makes our providing elders shiver in their arm chairs. However, there seems to be a revival at the corner of Pimm and Carr street, Newtown. Under the control of Adam Lowery, The Woods has once again been attracting many a young socialite to its walls and causing many sleepless nights for concerned parents.

Even with the revived interest in the The Woods, I decided that my Friday night would not take place at the "cool" spot. Instead I decided to venture into to town to watch Hazer at Town Hall, an ideally suited gig venue right next door to Adam Lowery's Night Club. 

Haezer is a Cape Town DJ who has received much praise for his musical efforts. He has collaborated with Francois Van Coke and Peach Van Pletzen on Oorlog Frankenstein's Dans Dans Dans and gained a large indoctrinated following.

Town Hall is literally that, a Hall. Seating and comforts are rare, but who wants to sit down when you can dance the entire night away while chewing off your bottom lip. Drinks are expensive and the threat of your Citi Golf getting stolen is high. However, tonight this was the cool place to be. The attendance of young and trendy individuals confirmed this. 
                   Photo by Liam Lynch
The night started with fairly decent music, Johan from Kidofdoom managed to keep the growing crowd interested with a mixture of dance musical delights. I strolled around the venue trying to look cool or at least not lost, as I have never really been part of the dance scene and recognized very few faces in the crowd. People were now starting to bust out their coolest dance moves and I found my skills were limited to a poor impersonation of the Indi-shuffle. As the night progressed my concern about my dance moves began to fade. I think everyone els didn't care either as we all looked fairly stupid. Some individuals decided to take their dance routine to the stage for all to see, guys doing the disco handshake and girls doing their best stripper impersonations. I guess when everyone is looking stupid you look worse when you are not joining in.

By 12ish I was starting to wonder if Haezer would ever take the stage. However, my typical aloofness got the better of me and apparently Haezer had been on stage for half an hour already. In all respect his beats were good and his samples we cool, but I found my self losing interest within 20 minutes. His set became repetitive and I found myself making fun of the nature of it all. It's not that it was bad, I just found it funny that I didn't notice the change in DJs' until someone pointed it out to me. I continued dancing until the night was over. So in the end, even with my petty complaints he got the desired reaction out of me. 

After spending a while looking for our comrades and rallying up the correct individuals, we made our way home. The police patrolled the streets and were making the lives of the drunken drivers hell as they seemed to be on every main street corner. With our sober driver we all laughed as we drove past. Not a bad Friday night all in all, I should try stop being so dam critical and enjoy the evening a bit more. 

Sunday, September 12, 2010

International make friends with a Muslim day

Yesterday was the 9 year anniversary of the tragic events of 9/11, where an extremist group hijacked two planes and flew them into the twin towers in the USA. Thousands of people died and a war was waged as a result of the attack. The events will be remembered as one of the most tragic acts of terrorism of our generation

Instead of coming to terms with the event and looking within themselves, small groups in the USA continue to discriminate and defame the Muslim religion. A pastor from a small church in Florida made threats that he was going to burn the Qu'ran in remembrance of the events of 9/11. Thankfully the entire world condemned the act and this so called "pastor" called off the event. Even with the public's negative expressions towards the burning of the Qu'ran a small group of conservative Christians tore pages out of the holy book outside the White House in protest against what they called a "Charade of Islam" on the anniversary of 9/11( . People like Terry Jones are the antagonists of this situation, they make obscene allegations and statements with their warped beliefs and are just as guilty as the terrorists who endanger peoples lives on a daily basis. The acts of 9/11 was not the first encounter between the USA and the Muslim population. Discrimination and racism has always been present between the two populations often with the USA at fault. The root of the conflict is difficult to locate and both populations are at fault.

A day where the USA makes a point of learning about the Muslim culture and eliminating false biases about the Muslim population

I would now like to suggest that 9/11 should become "International make friends with a Muslim day". A day where the USA makes a point of learning about the Muslim culture and eliminating false biases about the Muslim population. The USA should make the effort to curb the gap, not because they are at fault but because they are arguably the most powerful country in the world. The saying is something out of a Chinese action movie but it rings true, "With great power comes great responsibility". We have seen what has happened between Israel and Palestine, if attitudes do not change we could witness another holy war between USA and Muslims. If it has not started already

Sunday, September 5, 2010

A Day at the Races

I tend to shy away from early morning activities, I normally wake up on a Sunday in time to catch our family lunch. Strangely enough this Sunday I some how found my self standing at an intersection somewhere near Tarlton setting up banners and gazebos, preparing mixtures of bright blue Powerade and getting ready for the hoards of cyclists. I have a brief and unenthusiastic history with cycling, a badly dressed bunch that is normally found at the butt of bad jokes. But what the hell, they are paying me to give them what looked like dish washer rinse aid and a little bit of a smile here and there.

"They greeted us with that typical Afrikaans friendly smile, made sure we had what ever we needed, offered us brandy and told us to work"

Our water point was sponsored by Thule Products and dressed in Thule branded T-shirts we stood and waited for the "Elite" riders. Our water and Powerade was provided by a local farmer who not only gave his son a job but his hair line as well. The farmer and his son looked like they ran the the event as they drove around in their matching Hilux Bakkies and ordered people around. They greeted us with that typical Afrikaans friendly smile, made sure we had what ever we needed, offered us brandy and told us to work. We were also joined by a very excited colored man, who kept saying "So you guys are Mountain Bikers hey", to avoid confusion and unnecessary explaining we agreed and pretended to work. He moved between us and the police guiding traffic, discussing how amazing the riders were while using some serious cycling slang. I suspected that he might just have a Lance Armstrong shrine or at least a tattoo depicting his beloved Lance. 

The Elite Riders approached our water point which marked the 40km mark as a break neck pace. Police sirens warded off any passer by's who risked being squashed by the main group. I must give it to these guys, they ride pretty dam fast in their shiny cycling gear. Our cycling enthusiast looked like he had a semi and proceeded to shout and scream. I couldn't fight off the feeling that his child hood dream was riding past him. The elite riders took no interest in our water point, we shouted cheers and edged them on. However, they took no interest in us and looked somewhat annoyed by our chanting.

As the next groups approached and past, we were constantly ignored as the cyclists looked absorbed in the task ahead. Our cycling enthusiast continued to look aroused. After half an hour or so the odd cyclist started to pull over and ask for a drink, they tended to disguise their lack of preparation or hangover with weak excuses and complaining about something in their shoe. One of my comrades told me I should prep myself as the storm was on its way. The flow of cyclists started to increase and so did the number of Tour De France wannabes who wanted our blue Powerade.

"They attacked our 100 liters of hydration with fury, asking us to pour water and Powerade into any orifice and container they had"

Within 10 minutes the roads where packed with riders, the tightly packed groups of the elite riders were no more and the road in front of us was over flowing with people who were apparently just getting into this cycling thing. They attacked our 100 liters of hydration with fury, asking us to pour water and Powerade into any orifice and container they had. It resembled the same feeling a waiter feels when a restaurant is packed and people are very hungry. The cyclists came towards us in hoards, each cyclist more thirsty then the last. The influx seemed to have no end.

"Suddenly we were out of water and Powerade and the attitudes of the cyclist changed very quickly."

As we began to run out of water, I noticed two things. I saw who must have been the strongest man in the world. A father rode tandem with his heavily over weight daughter, this man had the shoulders of a rugby flank and legs as thick as my torso, his darling daughter looked to be enjoying the ride as she had hardly broken a sweat and was clearly taking it easy. My second observation was that as the race went on the cyclists became far more friendly and happy to see us. Some even wanted to start a conversation about how we must be Mountain Bike riders. However, the thirsty hoards around us prevented this. Suddenly we were out of water and Powerade and the attitudes of the cyclist changed very quickly.

Farmer Johan, his son and his cute "Boer Vrou" returned to refill our supplies and save us from the thirsty cyclists who looked like they wanted to have us shot. We continued to satisfy the cyclists thirsts, the rush was taking its toll on our team who were starting to tire. An Indian fellow hung around us for twenty minutes complaining of cramp and how he wanted a quick break. Ten minutes after he set off again he had returned and promptly asked us to call the Emergency Number as he could go no further. We told him to rather wait for the officials who would come past and pick up the stragglers. The influx of cyclists had now slowed to a easy pace and we knew our task would be over soon. We joked and chatted with our retiring rider who did not seem in that much need of medical attention. 

Within 20 minutes the flow of riders had stopped completely and we were out of our second batch of Powerade and water. A police van gave our Indian friend a lift back home and we packed our car and left. We headed for the finish to meet with our employers and claim our rewards. At the finish line the hoards of riders were still completing their race, apparently about half the pack had finished and the workers at the finish line still had a good few hours of work left. As we were on our way back to our car and enjoying the feeling of a job well done, we spotted our Indian friend who was now crossing the finish line in about the middle of the pack.  

Friday, September 3, 2010

Dr Hunter S. Thompson

Born Hunter Stockton Thompson on July 18, 1937. Hunter S. Thompson is a famous Author and Journalist, namely for his Book "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas". However, the author has a large array of best selling novels to his name. Hunter S.Thompson died on the 20th of February 2005 by his own hand as he had suffered a long line of health problems. Hunter S. Thompson inspired many writers and journalists with his unapologetic style of writing that blurred the line between fact and fiction, he often exaggerated events to make them more entertaining or exciting for the reader. Hunter S. Thompson has been credited as the creator of Gonzo styled journalism, where the reporter involves himself so heavily in the story that he ends up becoming a central character in the story. Known for his compassion, idealism and his fun loving nature, Hunter S. Thompson lives on in the minds of his past and future readers

I feel the same about Disco as I do about Herpes "Hunter S. Thompson"

Hunter used LSD, Mescaline, Cocaine and alcohol unapologetically and often promoted the use of these drugs. He ran for Sheriff of Pitkin County, Colorado in 1970. Part of his campaign was the decriminalizing of drugs for personal use. Needless to say he did not win, but this attempt characterizes his attitude towards drug use

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've worked for me "Hunter S. Thompson"  

Hunter's writing style can be characterized by exaggerated first person accounts of his life. The Rum diary is a partially accurate account of his time spent working in San Juan, Puerto Rico. He took real life happenings and added his bizarre take on them to create a story that blurs the line between fact and fiction. His accounts of the "Mint 400 Motorcycle Race" for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas provided us with the a twisted tale of drug abuse and mischief that defies the convention of societies norms and accepted behavior. Hunters writing style and lack of respect for fact and fiction caused many groups to become angered with the writer. His accounts of Hells Angels biker gang in "Hells Angels: A strange and Terrible Saga" managed to anger the notorious group.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro "Hunter S. Thompson"

Hunters fast paced lifestyle managed to catch up with him. After a long bout of poor health, Hunter Committed Suicide on the 20th of February with a gun shot to the head. His funeral featured a 153 foot cannon in the shape of a doubled thumbed fist button that fired the writers ashes. The funeral was financed by the Actor Johnny Depp. Depp told the Associated Press " All I'm doing is trying to make sure his last wishes come true. I just want to send my pal out the way he wants to go out". Depp plays the part of Hunter in the movie remake of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. He is also set to play Hunter again in the remake of The Rum Diary. Hunter had a keen interest in guns and on one occasion took talk show host Conan O'Brien on tour of his farm and then for a little bit of target practice

There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible then a man in the depths of an ether binge "Hunter S. Thompson"

Hunter S. Thompson will continue to influence writers. His catchy and bizarre writing is something unique. Copycats have long tried to emulate the Gonzo creators style. None have managed to recreate his fame and brilliance. If you have not read a book by Hunter S.Thompson, I strongly recommend that you change this, as soon as possible.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Dealing with the hand that you were dealt

The most difficult and mature thing anyone can do is to come to terms with one's faults. Be it physical insecurities about your appearance, being unhappy with you mental capacity, confidence problems or just being straight up insecure about yourself. I would like to think that everyone has deep down insecurities that they dwell on, because if I'm the only one then I need to go to a shrink. I find myself dwelling on things that in the larger scheme of life are irrelevant and are just a part of who I am. I find myself worrying constantly because I now show the signs of male pattern baldness, or the fact that I will have to work like a slave for the next 30+ years of my life, I worry about the fact that I drive in a shit bucket excuse for a car or because my teeth will never feature in a Colgate advert. Its hard when you realize that you don't fit the MTV or Hollywood mold. However, I am starting to see that no one does.

Yes, some people are more attractive then others and yes, some people are just smarter then others. But I am starting to realize that beneath these supposed "prime examples of humanity" that everyone has their own insecurities and faults. I have waisted many an opportunity and occasion where I choose (I am now realizing that this is a choice that you make) to focus on the negative things and not live in the now. Dealing with the hand that you were dealt in life and playing it to the best of you ability is something that is needed if you wish to succeed. I saw a tweet by Deepak Chopra , that was retweeted by Kerry McGegor that said " What will make you attractive is not working on your weak points but embracing them". I do realize that that entire statement sounds lame and clichéd but it is something that rings true with my life right now. 

Photo By Gareth Steele
I find myself often dwelling on the negative things about myself and because of this I do not display the positives. Thus, I am forcing the negative aspects about myself to be the core of my personality and not making the positive aspects my center. I mean who wants a guy with a bad hairline, bad teeth and low self esteem. But a smart, witty, somewhat attractive, driven young man can do what ever he fucking wants to. I have watched people who are so talented and beautiful just waste themselves, and transform into ugly and lifeless individuals. I don't want to waste myself. By focusing on helping others with their problems it will allow you to over come your own.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The Black Keys - Things Ain't Like They Used To Be

Blue Bulls player Bees Roux granted R100 000 Bail

The South African sporting world has been shocked by the recent court case involving Blue Bulls rugby player Bees Roux and the murder of Ntshimane Johannes Mohale. According to sources, Bees Roux allegedly beat Mohale to death after he pulled Bees over for driving under the influence of alcohol. Bees has since been granted R100 000 Bail and a court date has been set for October 15th. A clear motive for the brutal assault is still unclear.

Photo by Cornel Van Heerd, Beeld
There is till a dark cloud over the happenings in the early hours of that fateful Friday morning in Hatfield, Pretoria. Mohale allegedly told his colleagues that he would drive Roux home as he was drunk, it is still unclear why Bees was not arrested on the spot for drunken driving.

It is also unclear why Mohale's colleagues did not follow the pair to Bees's home. Mohale was found lying on a street in Hatfield, Pretoria close to where Bees was being held.

It was reported that Bees's credit card was used in the early hours of the morning at a Mc Donalds fast food restaurant while the Blue Bulls player was in police custody.

The state made it clear that Bees earned R850 000 per year and that he would plea "Not Guilty" to the charges of Murder and Driving Under the Influence of Alcohol against him.

Bees was granted R100 000 Bail and was quoted as saying "I am not a flight risk" and "I don't want to live like a fugitive".

Bees has traveled Ireland, France and Australia to play rugby. It is also reported that Bees has a bank account in France containing 5000 Euro's as he played rugby there for 3 months 

Emotions ran high during the first court hearing. Mohale's brother Richard Taukobong called out to Roux "You fucking Dog" as he was led to the dock.

The magistrate hope that the time leading up to the trial will allow for some of the mysteries in the case to be answered.


Monday, August 30, 2010

"If only the street lights could talk". A Bastards story of Joburg Burning 4

The streets of Melville, Johannesburg are stained from the years and years of partying. If the street lights could talk they would tell stories of murder, love, theft, lies and drunken debauchery.However, the streets have lost their glow, as young whippersnappers no longer congregate on the roads of Melville. Melville has had its time in the lime light and now newer, cleaner and cooler area's draw the attention of the young adults of Johannesburg who want to make mistakes and dance the night away.

Southern Pulse is the conglomerate of the South African Music Industry. It's reach as a booking agency has no limit in South Africa. They are the Fat Cats of the local Music Scene. Southern Pulse has attempted to resurrect the youth's interest in Melville with its "Joburg Burning" Gig. Joburg Burning takes over the streets of Melville and turns them into a one night festival that takes place close to your own home. The somewhat pricey cover charge includes free access to private taxi's that run to and from all the venues.

Now with its 4th installment, Joburg Burning has gone from strength to strength. The organizers have thus decided to capitalize on the success of the event and extend it two take place on the Friday and Saturday. However, there was a lesson to be learnt from this as we should all know that "Greed messes things up". The idea of splitting your own crowd attendance makes no sense to me. If attendance was at 25 000 yes, then it would make sense, but when you are pulling around 2000 people why would you want to split the humble number. But alas, I am not a events coordinator and what would I know.

"The music students of Press Ok provided a professional and Sexy example of South African Music"

Regardless of my doubts toward the events potential success, I made my way to the streets of Melville for a bit of nostalgia and hopefully a little bit of takkie squeaking. Upon arrival we made our way to Cool Runnings Melville to Catch Columbus. These new comers to the Joburg scene have been making waves and I felt my presence at their show was needed. Their tight performance got the small crowd dancing and screaming. We then assembled to watch Press Ok. If these guys keep their heads down and avoid the distractions that are so common in the South African Music scene they will go far, very far actually. The music students of Press Ok provided a professional and Sexy example of South African Music. Mike Wright the drummer of Press Ok's hair cut left me feeling insecure about my future.

"The Cokestrokes played a mature and tight set and proved that their time under the radar was not spent loafing and losing interest"               
                                                                                    Photo by Nico Van Loggerenburg

We were then left with 2 hours to burn as the line up provided very little excitement between 8 and 10. I guess this is what happens when you stretch your resources out paper thin. We decided to catch ShortStraw for a bit of comical relief. It seems that Roxys was the only venue with a decent crowd the entire night. After a few songs we made the some what far skip to Cool Runnings Victory Park to Watch The Cokestrokes first gig in what seems like years. Cool Runnings Victory Park is quite out the way but its services were only called upon on short notice as Back2Basix was closed down a week before the event and left the organizers with a massive headache. The Cokestrokes played a mature and tight set and proved that their time under the radar was not spent loafing and losing interest. One of the best performances of the entire night for sure.

"I was particularly blown away by the guitar prowess of Jaco Mans"

The night was now coming to an end and the best was definitely saved for last. We quickly crammed and overloaded the Taxi outside Cool Runnings and made our way back to Roxys. Police patrols were no where to be seen and multiple laws were bent and cracked as we made our way back to Melville, our understanding driver did not say a word as he could have easily made a fuss about what was happening around him. We arrived at Roxys and within minutes we were treated to the best show of the night. Tidal Waves played a professional and original set. Original Music for Original People I guess. I was particularly blown away by the guitar prowess of Jaco Mans. He busted out lick's that would make some of the most accomplished guitar players shiver. Their set was impeccable.

"These Mozambican exports are definitely one of the bests bands to ever come out of Africa"

We ducked of to Jozi G-spot (old Rock Bar) to catch a few songs of Wrestlerish and to have a beer while 340ML set up. Wrestlerish is one of the best bands to come out of South Africa over the past few years and they did not disappoint. The streets were now crawling with drunken music fans and Melville inhabitants. I must say that it is not the safest place in the world as multiple cases of theft were reported over the two nights. 340ML took to the stage at Roxy as the final act of the night. They are one of my favorites and they did not disappoint. These Mozambican exports are definitely one of the bests bands to ever come out of Africa. The night drew to an end and after a bit of logistical fuck ups we managed to find our way home. Joburg Burning wasn't that bad, it could have been a whole lot better thou 

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Getting Fit Boet

My entire life I have laughed at those fools running or cycling on the road. On many an occasion I have used them as an opportunity to brush up on my pellet gun skills. I never understood why they chose to run on the streets, I mean that is what cars are for... right?

"I must join this group of badly dressed, weird looking street stalkers and start jogging"

But as I start to age and the appeal of assaulting joggers on the street fades away, I find myself slowly starting to turn into what I hated most. I have recently decided that I must join this group of badly dressed, weird looking street stalkers and start jogging. It is the appropriate time to jump on the fitness bandwagon I must say, as winter is slowly being conquered by the warm winds of spring.

I just fear that I might not fit into this group of fitness junkies. I have recently been taking it to the streets in an effort to implement my wish to get fit. On my second adventure out I encountered another jogger. This guy has obviously been klapping the streets for a while, as he has cool lumo-green running shoes and a headband with the colors of the rainbow. I decided to acknowledge his presence with a friendly wave. However, this seems to be an outright insult in the jogging community as he quickly replied with a "Fuck You" as he continued in the opposite direction.

"I will buy cooler shoes them him, maybe pink and yellow ones"

It was because of the events of today that I have decided to make this guy my running arch enemy. I will sabotage and ruin his days of jogging by becoming the coolest jogger on the block. Soon, I will steal his title and with it his identity. I will buy cooler shoes them him, maybe pink and yellow ones. My rainbow flag will cover not only my headband but my pants, shirt and socks. If things go well I might hire a car to follow myself around blasting 80's one hit wonders like "Here I go again" by Whitesnake or "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor. But for now my Shox Speaker will have to suffice. This unnamed jogger will regret the day he turned down my friendly gesture. I will become the street king, all the hot jogging chicks will talk of the way I conquered the roads of Weltevreden Park

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Don't Dance, No. Don't give it away

Don't listen to what it has to say
  Don't dance, or sit, nor runaway
Don't become of their fun, your heart's to cold son

Lift Lift, Lift it away
    Lift Lift, shift
I'm not going to stay

Don't dance, Don't dance, don't you dare sing
        No No No,I'm not going to stay
Don't dance, Don't dance, your slowly giving it away

I don't wanna see what happens next
  I don't wanna be your second best
        I don't, I won't, Don't

Friday, August 20, 2010

Taking it to the streets

If you live in South Africa you will be aware of the Public Servants strike taking place all over the country. These masses of unhappy workers have resorted to acts of public violence and discontent with their salaries and working conditions.

The demonstrating and rioting Public Servants have set out to cause havoc, attempting to block off the N1 North  and N1 South highways. (basically attempting to Block access to and from Gauteng and further affecting the financial sector of Gauteng). However, the police stopped this attempt dead in its tracks as they did not even allow protesters to come close to the highway off-ramps. This is one of the efforts of the police that was successful in curbing the efforts of the unhappy protesters

Public Servants have gone as far as neglecting their oaths taken in the name of their profession. Nurses and doctors have ignored patients in need, often just sending them home regardless of the severity of their illness or wounds. Protesters have stormed hospitals and have harassed patients. Police efforts have been overwhelmed by the sheer size of the protesting mobs. It has been estimated that over 1 million protesters took to the streets this week to show their discontent towards the poor renumeration that they receive.

The education system has been hit hard by the striking Public Servants. Schools have to be closed as mobs have been storming schools and harassing teachers and students. In one incident, a Molotov Cocktail was thrown over a school wall into the grounds of the school. Non protesting teachers either refuse to come to work as they fear for their safety or they use the time to catch up on work and excess preparation.

The Mobs are protesting against their salary increase this year and are asking for a higher salary increase and a R1000 housing allowance. The protesters have every right to express their discontent with their salary increase but the methods that are being used have to be questioned. Violence and harassment along with attempts to interfere with the productivity of the state are not ways to get on he good side of the government officials. Many of the protesters have lost their jobs and even ended up in jail.

There is another side to the story as these Public Servants are often being under paid and struggle to support their families. My mother is a school teacher at a Government Primary School and she does not earn close to enough money to support a family, if her circumstances were different she would be in serious financial trouble. It is because of this that I respect the requests of the protesters, but the way that they have conducted these demonstrations is despicable.

As South African's we are used to protests and they seem to happen around the same time every year. However, the severity and magnitude of these protests seems to increase with every year. If you wish to read more follow the link to Nickolaus Bauer's Closet Capitalist Blog     

Monday, August 16, 2010

Oppikoppi Sexy. Crooked. Teeth Festival: Part 3

I must say that I was happy when I awoke on Sunday morning. I felt quite sprightly considering that I was at a music festival and I could fill a shot glass with the amount of sand in my nose. I felt that Sunday's line-up was by far the best of the entire festival, I had enjoyed the past two days but secretly I had been holding out for the final day.

Anyone who has been to a festival will know that on the final day you develop a routine that has been determined by the foolish errors you have made over the past few days. Sneaky thorn bushes are no longer a problem as your skin has now hardened to a nice leathery texture and your eyes have developed a extra layer of skin to protect themselves from the dust and debris. I decided I would take my newly evolved body to the shower as I could laugh at all the lesser beings who had not adapted to their environment. 

Upon arrival I saw a kilometer long line leading to the showers and nearly turned back. However, after closer inspection I realized that it was the girls showers that had a kilometer long line. I walked straight past the very miserable looking girls holding onto my toilet paper, towel and soap. I joined the 5 long line and within 5 minutes I was enjoying an icy cold shower. 

To my horror I discovered that my new hardened skin was actually a mixture of brandy, wine and sand and it was washing off, leaving my epidermis exposed to the harsh world that is Oppikoppi. My newly grown eye protectors were actually transparent sweet papers that had become stuck to my eye balls and had since washed off, taking a thin layer of eye skin with them. I left the shower disappointed that I was not a superior human being and had not evolved over the past two days. I sat on the toilet and shed a little tear.

I returned to my tent and kept my loss to myself. By now most people were stirring and plans of breakfast were in full effect. We returned to the entertainment area and filled our bellies with the disgusting yet good Breakfast Schwarma. The day's line up was about to begin and we were all ready. Hopefully for the best day yet.

We spent the whole of Sunday walking around and enjoying all the bands on show. Fire Through The Window entertained the crowd at the FHM Most Amazing Myn stage. Their music kept making me feel that I was in a Shrek movie and I kept thinking I saw a donkey in the corner of my eye. I must admit that they are good, I am just a dick. 

I will now give my best performance award of the day award to Wrestlerish. These guys deserve all the attention they are receiving and are likely to go a lot further. Werner Olckers's Voice is pristine and when joined by Richard Brokensha (Isochronous vocalist/guitarist/future South African great) for a duet, the vocal pair managed to make a lot of girls become quite hot and bothered. 

Unfortunately, the day went down hill from here. The Valiant Swart Tribute show made no sense to me and I am still unable to correctly explain it to anyone. We returned home for a final top up of drinks and prepared ourselves for the final chapter in our Oppikoppi experience. 

We were greeted with the worst performance of Oppikoppi upon our arrival back at the entertainment area. Die Heuwels Fantasties pulled a massive crowd and had made a huge impact upon the South African scene over the past year or two. However their performance removed any respect I had for them. The Vocalist guy sang out of tune for about 97% of the set(granted that it was obvious his voice was hoarse from the start of the set) and the band played slightly out of time. It was likely that these guys either had their drinks spiked or had little concern about their prime slot on the James Philips stage. We quickly moved away and awaited the start of Blk Jks. Unfortunately we were also let down by the famous South African exports who had moments of brilliance but most of the time seemed loose and a little off the ball.

Billy Talent was the main headliner of the festival and captured the attention of the entire festival. They played a tight set and their World wide fame was displayed for everyone to see. I however found myself annoyed by the vocalists voice and was reminded why I never really took notice of these Canadian rockers. They were good, I am just a dick. By now all interest in live music was lost, we returned to our campsite and for the first time of the entire festival did not get lost on the way home. We saw off the final evening with a pathetic fire and discussions of the weekends mishaps and good times. We payed little attention to Jack Parow blasting from the entertainment area, the loud reception he was receiving from the crowd reflected the brilliant year he has achieved.

The following morning allowed us to display the final festival skill we had acquired over the years. The art of packing up all your shit in 5 minutes and getting the fuck out of there, is a skill that I am proud of. We managed to leave Oppikoppi while some of the stragglers were still trying to find their campsites after the final night of partying. The Drive home was subdued and peaceful. 

I am still wearing my Oppikoppi bracelet and I wonder if the organizers will give me a discount if I can provide it when I buy my ticket next year. I love Oppikoppi, even if I can only manage to tolerate it for a maximum of 3 days.